This is the second part of the series [2 Insights Why Your Secondary Child May Rebel]
Our Insecurities Impact Them
Most of the time, the child’s behaviour is really a direct impact of our parenting styles. One issue many parents face is the negative changes that occur in secondary school and somehow, they were unable to comprehend on how these issues – which seem so far away – can actually happen to their children.
Here is an insight:
Your child’s misbehaviour may be a direct consequence of your own insecurities.
Why It Happens
Most of the time, our parenting styles come from a mix of how our parents / guardians treated us in the past, their modelling as well as childhood experiences. For example, how did your mother behave when she was angry with you? Are your actions and words a reflection of what she used to do? These are questions you want to explore. Other factors also include your spouse: are you unhappy in the relationship? Do you quarrel with your spouse often on how children should be brought up? Are you exhausted? It can be difficult to be a good parent under stressful conditions.
The 4 Parenting Styles
These are 4 types of parenting styles that may cause rebellion in your child:
This happens after a major event that may cause negative emotions to reside in a family. Divorce, illnesses and financial hardships are common causes. The parents may end up feeling guilty and thus, gives the child a lot of freedom by not setting limits. When you remove limits, the children often end up going overboard.
If you take a good look around during meal times, do you notice parents are everyone is engaged with a smartphone instead of having face-to-face interactions? Most of the time, there are several reminders that smartphones are taking over the lives of both parents and teenagers. Lesser conversations are made and distance between the parent and child grows. These parents will only respond when a situation occurs with their child and by then, it is more of fire-fighting than prevention.
This parenting style is extremely common in Singapore. This is a parent who is always worrying and expressing anxiety. They tend to be express “Learned Helplessness” often without realising . When children experience a parent’s anxiety as, “I don’t believe in you,” “I don’t trust you,” or “you’re not a capable person,” this triggers a lot of anger and resentment toward the parent.
Helicopter / Fix Everything
These parents can’t stand to see their children frustrated and constantly step in and solve problems for them. They somehow believe their children are just not independent yet and often step in to solve things quickly for them instead of letting them solve their own issues. While they have good intentions and believe they are being heroes, it dwarfs the emotional development of their child. Thus, the child may get older but their maturity remains immature. As the child remains dependent on the parents, they become dissatisfied easily, take their parents for granted and yet unconsciously resents them for it. In fact, the more you give them, the less they appreciate you. Children have a natural drive for independence that needs to be encouraged. Thus, they become so bored that they are so willing to look for any excitement elsewhere even though they come from seemingly good families.